The Cook and the Swordswoman
by VioletClockworker
Summary: Zoro has no clue if this is a good idea. He loves his friends, he really does. He loves his sister, too, god save him if he ever has to admit it. But Sanji in the same room as Kuina? That can not be a good combination. Zoro just prays that everyone will get out of this unscathed by sword slashes.


Kuina sat against the wall of the dojo, glossy black hair swaying with her movements as she slid the cloth back and forth over Wadou Ichimonji. The sword gleamed with appreciation as the polish ran over its steel until it was streakless and beautiful. Kuina gave one more stroke before she smiled in satisfaction of her work and carefully slid Wadou back into her sheath.

Rising from the floor, she jogged over to the stairs and yelled "Zoro, are you ready to go yet?" up into the second story.

"I'll be down in a minute!" the grumbling reply floated from one of the closed doors.

Kuina rolled her eyes and grabbed her wallet from the small dresser put up against the staircase. She checked to make sure her weapons permit was still in it; she didn't need it but the cops had pulled her aside asking about the sword at her waist so many times that she got one anyway. Speaking of Wadou, Kuina was almost done strapping her on when Zoro finally emerged from his room and jogged down the stairs, dressed in a green T-shirt and a ratty pair of jeans.

He raised an eyebrow at Kuina. "You're taking Wadou with you?"

"It's the best way to stop some idiot trying from trying to pick me up," the swordswoman replied smoothly.

Zoro just shrugged and got his keys from the bowl on the dresser. It was a valid excuse; the man had seen many a stupid drunk, as well as couple sober guys who must've been pretty close to mentally slow on the I.Q scale, try and fail miserably at getting the right kind of attention from his dark-haired fiend of a sister. When they were younger Zoro used to think it was the coolest thing in the world to see Kuina beat a bunch of guys up without breaking a sweat, but after watching it happen about one hundred and twenty-seven times it's gotten old. He just wished Kuina would hurry up and get a boyfriend already.

Pfft. Like that would ever happen.

The two siblings left the house and followed the short path to the large black van parked out front. Kuina often teased Zoro about his choice in car color, saying that anyone who saw them picking up kids for after school martial arts lessons would think them pedophiles. Zoro would redden and argue that a white van wouldn't make any difference, and black was a cooler color anyway.

Kuina slid into the passenger seat while Zoro walked around to the driver's side. Once he got in, he inserted the key and turned the ignition while Kuina fiddled with the radio settings.

When she had settled on a station she liked, Kuina and Zoro settled into a comfortable silence. Their destination was a popular restaurant that Zoro's friend managed, the_ Baratie_ he called it. They were going so Zoro could introduce Kuina to his group of friends. He had insisted, saying that she spent too much time holed up in the dojo training and needed to have some fun, get a social life. Kuina was concerned at first; if _Zoro _of all people was trying to organize a social event then it must've been a cold day in Hell, but she eventually figured that her father had probably convinced him to get her out of the house for a while. Kuina appreciated his thoughtfulness, but the man really did worry too much sometimes.

Kuina kept a careful eye on the scenery as they passed by, expecting to see the same thing twice or a sign that they were going out of the city, but Zoro actually seemed to be going the right way for once. Sure the only reason Kuina agreed to let Zoro drive them was because he swore up and down that he would not get them lost, but she hadn't actually _believed _he could do it. She was a bit disappointed that she wouldn't get to use this as future teasing material.

Fifteen minutes later Zoro parked in a large lot next to a restaurant shaped like a giant fish. Kuina raised an eyebrow at the design and turned to look at Zoro—only to see the intense look in his eyes and a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead. Kuina smirked. Had it really taken _that_ much effort to not get lost? Maybe she would get to tease her moronic little brother after all.

Zoro eyed Kuina warily as she walked a little too happily behind him into the _Baratie_, he knew she was up to something, even if she wouldn't act on it for a while. That evil smile never meant anything good for him.

Taking his eyes off of his sister for a moment, Zoro led them to the back of the restaurant and scanned the tables for his friends. A loud, excited voice drew his eyes and ears to a round booth in the corner in which a dark-haired boy had jumped onto the table with his arms spread wide, yelling something to his friends while a redheaded woman yelled at _him_ to stop.

"—ddamnit Luffy I swear if I have to pay for _one more_ damaged table I won't let Sanji cook you meat for the _rest of your—_"

"Zoro!" The redhead's rant was interrupted buy the dark-haired kid—Luffy apparently—shouting to them from across the room.

Zoro smiled and waved at them as he took Kuina's wrist and led them over to the booth. "Hey guys! This is my older sister, Kuina."

Kuina silently took in their appearances as the strange group of people introduced themselves to her.

The redhead turned out to be Nami, a future meteorologist; she had long wavy hair that was pulled up in a ponytail and a tattoo on her left shoulder that looked like a curvy windmill with an orange on top. Weird.

To her right was an African boy with an unnaturally long nose who introduced himself as "Usopp, undercover spy for Interpol and the queen of England, slayer of—" he got cut off when Nami punched him over the head. Kuina figured he probably had a few screws loose, but he seemed like a nice guy.

Next to Usopp was beautiful, mature looking woman with straight dark hair and ice blue eyes. She looked up from the history book she was reading to politely tell Kuina a little about herself. She was Russian, an archaeologist and her name was Robin. Kuina didn't know what to think about her; Robin's expression might have been warm and smiling but she saw danger in the woman's eyes. Best to be wary of her for now.

After Robin was a large man with _huge_ arm muscles that had big blue stars tattooed on them. He yelled "SUUUPER!" a lot and said his name was Cutty Flam, but to just call him Franky. He was a mechanic and shipwright with bright sky blue hair styled in the shape of a large pompadour. For a second Kuina wondered if everything about this guy was bigger than average. Oh, _shit_, no okay not like that—

Kuina's embarrassed thoughts were interrupted when a something to the left of Franky started speaking to her. She almost didn't see the small boy, he and the shipwright had such a big height difference she had to steer her eyes about two feet lower to see the kid. He had adorable brown puppy dog eyes and a mass of curly brown hair. He introduced himself in a small voice as Tony-Tony Chopper, which made Kuina raise one eyebrow, and then as a doctor at the local hospital, which made her raise the other. The group took in her stunned expression and laughed before explaining Chopper's weird name and how his genius in the medical field had him working as a doctor at age sixteen.

When all of the giggles had died down at the table Kuina's attention was brought to the extremely tall and skinny man with a large black afro. He peered at Kuina from behind his shades and addressed himself as Brook, a musician and fencer who had a gig once a week here at the _Baratie_. He threw her through a loop when he asked "May I see your panties, Miss Kuina?" Said swordswoman's fist was already tightly wrapped around the hilt of Wadou when Zoro lunged to stop his sister from committing murder in his friend's restaurant. He got her to settle down, explaining that he said that to every lady and didn't really mean it, but she continued sending death glares at the bony musician, especially when he corrected Zoro by saying he always meant it.

The crew hurriedly shifted Kuina's attention over to Luffy sitting at the end of the booth who had been entertaining himself by stuffing his utensils up his nose and wiggling it while the others were giving their introductions. The fork had gotten stuck there and Chopper went into instant doctor mode, a look of pure horror on his face when Nami just yelled at Luffy to stop fooling around and yanked it out. Luffy yelped and whined that Nami should stop being so mean to him.

Sensing that this commotion was not going to settle down soon, Zoro decided to give Luffy's introduction.

"His name's Monkey D. Luffy, he's crazy and he loves to eat meat, and he has something called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome that makes his skin and joints really stretchy, like rubber. And he's an awesome fighter," Zoro adds as an afterthought. Kuina stares as she sees Nami pinch Luffy's cheeks and spread them impossibly wide, no doubt punishing him for being a nuisance again.

"Where the _hell_ did you meet these people?" Kuina whispered harshly into Zoro's ear. He laughed so hard the whole table turned to look at them. Kuina's cheeks pinkened a bit.

"Oh, you know," Zoro replied, still recovering from his laughing fit, "around." Zoro grinned at her and Kuina couldn't help but be surprised. She had never seen her brother so happy or carefree before, not once in all that she could remember. He must love these friends of his very much.

"Hey, when's Sanji gonna join us?" Luffy piped up from in front of Kuina after she and Zoro had sat down next to Nami, Zoro on the outside now.

Kuina's ears perked up at the unfamiliar name. "Sanji? Is there another person coming to join us?"

Kuina could feel Zoro tense slightly next to her. Well, that was suspicious…

Nami gave the answer, "Yes, Sanji's the one who works here. His dad owns the place, so he does a lot; he's a waiter on some days, but on days like this when it's busy," Nami gestured to the crowded booths and tables in the main part of the restaurant, "he works in the kitchens. Technically he's the manager as well as the sous-chef, so he's in charge of everybody when his dad isn't around."

Kuina thought that was pretty impressive. She didn't know why Zoro wouldn't want her to hear any of that, but maybe she just imagined Zoro's weird reaction. She didn't question anything further as she was absorbed into the various discussions of the table for the next thirty minutes.

In the middle of watching an amusing conversation about robots between Franky and Usopp quickly devolve into a childish argument, someone strode up to the table, drawing everyone's attention.

"Nami-swan, Robin-chwaaaan~ Do you find everything to your liking this evening?"

A blonde man in a suit danced over to their table, immediately focusing on the two ladies while seemingly ignoring everybody else. Kuina could've sworn he was wiggling with joy when they smiled up at him. She felt like gagging at the display of teenage horniness.

Despite his gross attitude towards Nami and Robin, Kuina had to admit, he was handsome. Golden hair, deep blue eyes, flawless white skin, and a sleek, toned body under that suit, Kuina was sure. Even that weird curly eyebrow he was sporting didn't take away from his looks.

Nami smiled up at the man. "Yes, Sanji-kun, everything's lovely. Does your shift end soon?"

Sanji's face fell. "Ah, I'm sorry, my dear flower. Zeff is making me work extra hours since both Patty and Carne called in sick today."

Kuina's eyebrow twitched and she glared at this "Sanji" character. Nami didn't seem like some kind of weak, delicate _flower_ to her. She felt Zoro glance her way worriedly.

Something clicked in Kuina's brain. He _knew_ this would happen? Little bastard was going _down_ later, she would make sure of that.

Unaware of Zoro's fuming sister, Nami gracefully responded, "Oh really? That's a shame, Zoro brought his sister Kuina today so we could all meet her."

Sanji instantly swerved until he was face to face with Kuina. His face lit up in a bright smile. She tensed and focused her glare. Sanji didn't seem to notice.

Giving a deep bow, he addressed the swordswoman, "It is my great pleasure to meet such a stunning beauty such as yourself. I'm surprised that such an indelicate brute as Zoro could have such a refined young woman for a sister."

Rage enveloped Kuina's mind. In less than a second, her hand was on Wadou, but Zoro was quicker and forced his all of his weight into his right hand, stopping her from drawing it. Zoro sent her a stern yet pleading expression and silently shook his head. Still boiling with anger at this _idiotic_ blonde who thought that _she_ of all people was just some pair of boobs and a pretty face that existed solely for his aesthetic pleasure, Kuina forced herself to relax and bit out a reply at the oblivious cook.

"Nice to meet you too."

Sanji beamed at her. Kuina tried very hard to reign in her murderous impulses.

Zoro relaxed next to her as Sanji chatted some with the others at the table before leaving for the kitchens to continue his shift.

Kuina calmed down as the evening wore on and pretty soon she was back to participating in the lively conversations of the table. She found out that Franky had an amazing sense of humor, Luffy and Chopper were the two most gullible people on the planet, and that Robin was a lot more devious than she first appeared. Overall, Kuina decided she liked Zoro's friends.

All except one.

* * *

><p>On the way home Zoro sat straight as a statue, not daring to move beyond what was necessary to drive as Kuina's glare burned holes in him. The swordswoman saw the sweat slowly form and fall down her brother's forehead, could feel the nervous and slightly guilty energy radiating off him. She smirked inwardly knowing that even after fifteen years she still maintained so much influence over Zoro.<p>

Twenty minutes later the pair arrived at their home. Kuina gracefully slid out of the passenger seat while Zoro hopped out of the driver's. She slammed the car door for good measure and saw her brother flinch. Glare never leaving her face, Kuina sauntered ahead of Zoro, unlocked the front door and made sure as he entered that Zoro clearly caught the livid you-are-in-deep-shit-this-time-little-brother expression she only saved for the most extreme situations.

Zoro had to try very hard to keep himself from bolting upstairs and hiding in his bedroom. He froze as Kuina somehow soundlessly slammed the door and walked past him, heading for the dojo. He let out a breath he'd been holding.

Then, he quietly berated himself. He was acting ridiculous. He'd fought Kuina exactly 9,287 times before, and despite having lost each time and still seeming no closer to defeating her, he at least knew by now the extent of her strength. He, Zoro, the future best swordsman in the world, should not be afraid of getting beaten up by his little sister!

Still, Zoro acknowledged inwardly, Kuina seemed to gain a kind of evil aura whenever she got mad at him like this. It was definitely right to be wary of her. Had meeting Sanji really been that bad…?

Resigning to his fate, Zoro steeled himself and walked through the kitchen and into the dojo, where he picked up three bokken from a rack on the wall just in time to watch Kuina slice a practice dummy into ribbons with Wadou.

Slowly, Kuina turned to face Zoro as he took his fighting stance. Grinning wryly, she sheathed Wadou and gently laid her on her sword rack before taking a bokken for herself.

"So, little brother," Kuina began, grin turning maniacal in a way that unsettled Zoro greatly, "you wish to be defeated a 9,288th time?"

Zoro narrowed his eyes and tightened his stance. "We both know that if I had tried to hide in my room you would've just cut down the door and dragged me in here anyways."

And it was true. Whenever Kuina got mad, especially at Zoro, she would unleash her rage upon the only person able to defend themselves sufficiently against it. Meaning, she would beat Zoro up so bad that he wouldn't be able to move the next day, but he'd be alive, which is much more than could be said about many a swordsman should Kuina's wrath ever fall on their poor souls.

The swordswoman just shrugged in agreement, and then, lightning quick, almost caught Zoro off guard when she slashed her bokken straight towards Zoro's face. Startled for a split second, Zoro managed to raise his wooden sword and block Kuina's blow, but she was not fazed.

Without missing a beat, Kuina struck from every angle, twisting and turning her body so swiftly that Zoro could barely keep up. He only had enough time to focus on not being driven into a corner by his sister's calculated and powerful blows.

Even so, soon enough Kuina had Zoro heading straight into the back wall. With a curse, Zoro faked a swing to Kuina's right and dove left, but he was no match for his sister's speed and reflexes, no matter how much he outclassed her in brute strength. Kuina swung her right foot out and caught Zoro's ankle. He fell to the floor with a pained grunt before feeling the blunt end of Kuina's bokken dig into his back.

"That makes 9,288 for me," Kuina chirped gleefully, "and zero for you."

Zoro rolled his eyes and ignored Kuina's outstretched hand, picking himself off the floor with an annoyed huff aimed somewhere in her direction. Kuina only laughed, long used to her brother's shenanigans.

"Next time." Zoro punctuated the statement with a pointed glare and left the room after depositing his three bokken back on the wall rack. Kuina watched him leave with a sigh. He really had gotten a lot better since they were younger, and she was proud of him. Not that she'd ever tell him that, of course.

Two weeks later Zoro came down the stairs to Kuina furiously whacking away with her bokken at one of the practice dummies, muttering obscenities under her breath. He winced as the next blow broke the wooden dummy in half.

Zoro sighed. Ever since the incident at the Baratie with Sanji, Kuina had become a lit grenade with a short fuse, and the smallest thing would set her off. She had calmed down that first day after defeating Zoro for the 9,288th time, but by the weekend she'd gone through three training dummies and was working on a fourth, snarling at it and yelling things Zoro vaguely heard like "_sexist blond bastard_" and "_idiotic son-of-a-_bitch!"

At the time Zoro rolled his eyes and thought that his sister was not well supporting her point by insulting Sanji's mother. Now, though, Zoro had much more important things to think about than Kuina's unique anger management techniques. Namely, how he was going to ask the question he'd been postponing for a week.

As Zoro was still trying to figure this out, Kuina noticed him on the stairs and looked at him curiously. Realizing he was out of time, Zoro just did what he usually ended up doing; throwing all plans out the window and hoping for the best.

"Luffy and the others want to know if you'll have dinner with us again at the _Baratie_."

For a moment, Kuina just sat and stared. When she recovered, she responded with a harsh "Why on _earth_ do you think I would like to set foot anywhere _near_ that moronic, perverted, sexi—"

"Sexist blond douchebag, yeah, I know," Zoro interrupted hurriedly, anticipating his sister's outburst. "But don't you think you're being a little too harsh on Sanji? And even if you're not, didn't you like the others enough to want to see them again?"

Kuina was surprised to hear a small amount of hurt in Zoro's voice as he spoke, and looked up to see it etched in his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth. She couldn't help feeling a little guilty instantly. Her brother was right, she had enjoyed his friends' company and liked them all quite a bit, even Brook, after a while. She shouldn't base her decision to see them on whether or not there would be one blond, pretentious, _insufferable—_

_No, Kuina, don't go there,_ she cut herself off before she could drive herself into a rage, _remember your breathing—inhale, exhale, inhale—_

Zoro waited patiently for his sister to calm down before giving him her answer. A few minutes passed, and with a groan, Kuina gave in.

"Fine! Fine, I'll go. But you're paying for my dinner and dessert! And don't think I won't go all out!"

Zoro had long ago learned to not argue with his sister on two issues: feminism and food. He sighed in resignation made a mental note to put extra cash in his wallet; she didn't look it, but Kuina could eat just as much as Luffy could, and with just as much vigor. Frankly, it frightened Zoro when she did, so she went out of her way to leap at the opportunity whenever possible.

As Zoro was trying to calculate how much money he could fit into his wallet without it bursting, Kuina interrupted his thoughts with the question, "So, when are we supposed to have dinner with them?"

Zoro blinked before answering.

"Tomorrow."

The swordswoman groaned once more, and punched her brother in the stomach.

* * *

><p>The next evening Zoro was glaring daggers at his sister from the passenger seat of the van, rubbing his bruised stomach. Kuina had to drive this time because, apparently, she had done more damage than she had meant to with that sock to the gut and now Zoro's abdomen cramped whenever he tried to move. Sitting upright in the driver's seat was especially uncomfortable.<p>

Kuina ignored her brother and hummed a cheery tune as she drove them to the restaurant. After all, there was nothing she took more pleasure from in life than annoying her baby brother, except for sword fighting. Plus, it did a pretty good job of distracting her from exactly what type of person might have to put up with for the rest of the evening…

Soon enough, Kuina and Zoro arrived again at the _Baratie_, and the swordswoman was forced to face the situation. She knew she shouldn't be this riled up over one sexist guy, and if Zoro liked him enough to call him his friend he couldn't be that bad, but he just made her _so angry_.

Kuina tried not to think about this guy, this _Sanji_, and focused on preparing to ignore him while getting to know everyone else. At the moment, she was most eager to learn more about Nami; she seemed like a strong, interesting girl with a good head on her shoulders. They could probably be good friends, Kuina thought with a twinge of anticipation.

Zoro led her to the back of the restaurant again, the same corner booth as last time, and as Kuina saw who was seated there her stomach dropped in her chest. She had to wrestle the pool of annoyance building up in her gut at the sight of Sanji shamelessly gushing at the two ladies of the table, showering them with compliments as if to appease them. They hardly gave it a thought. If he was spouting that crap to her, Kuina thought, the only reward she would give him would be a fist to the face.

When the crew spotted them, Kuina and Zoro were given warm, enthusiastic greetings, and it made Kuina smile and forget about Sanji for a minute. She realized that they were like Zoro's family, and she was grateful that Zoro had invited her to be a part of it. Suddenly determined to make the most of this evening, Kuina laughed and greeted Zoro's friends with equal vigor.

"Hey, guys! How've you been doing the past two weeks? Whenever I ask Zoro he just shrugs and says '_I dunno'_ like the awkward moron he is."

Zoro shot a scathing glare at his sister, still rubbing his sore stomach, before pushing Luffy further into the booth so he could settle down in a position on the seat that didn't hurt his abdomen. Kuina gracefully slid in beside him, across from Sanji, but like Hell she was going to acknowledge that.

"Well, we wanted to meet up again last week, but most of us couldn't," Luffy answered distractedly, trying to swipe some of the appetizer from Chopper and Usopp's plates.

"More specifically," Nami added, "I had a meeting, Robin had a business trip, Brook had a gig, Franky had a big project, and Chopper had to work an extra shift at the hospital. So, we had to postpone until this week. I'm glad you made it, by the way."

Nami offered Kuina a warm smile and she couldn't help but return it. Yeah, Kuina definitely thought they could be friends.

Before she could offer a reply, however, Luffy yelped in pain as Sanji elbowed him in the face, trying to prevent him from stuffing himself any further before dinner arrived, especially since he'd now started going for Robin's plate, though even while reading one of her archaeology books she managed to expertly swat his rubbery hands away with her fork. Kuina was starting to think she could've been a Russian spy.

And like that, the evening continued. It was going much better than Kuina thought it would; though she still inwardly gagged whenever Sanji started lavishing praise on Nami or Robin, she noticed he stopped trying to do it to her as much, probably by the advice of Zoro, and she was grateful to the both of them for it.

She was very surprised when Sanji and her brother got into some sort of argument after Sanji called him… what was it… a marimo? A _moss ball_? Kuina launched into hysterical laughter and the two men turned to look at her, Zoro's face burning red and annoyed and Sanji's pleasantly surprised. Her thick peals of laughter bounced off the walls of the restaurant, drawing the attention to the rest of the table, too.

"What's so funny?" Chopper asked with a sweet, innocent expression.

"He called…" Kuina wheezed in between gasps, "he called him a _moss ball_!" She only just got the end of the sentence out before dissolving into another fit of laughter.

Zoro's face heated up even more before he quickly reached up over the table and punched Sanji in the jaw, presumably from revealing to Kuina something he never _ever_ wanted her to know, before slouching back down in his seat and grumbling about stupid ero-cooks and evil big sisters plotting against him. Sanji didn't seem to care about the bruise forming on his cheek as he sat, mesmerized by the sound of Kuina's laughter.

"Oh my god, how did I never think of that? A _moss ball_. It's perfect for you, Zoro! You and your mutant hair!"

Kuina's outburst had died down to sharp giggles, and Zoro still sulked in his chair, grumbling in resigned irritation, while Sanji snapped out of his reverie.

"Yeah, a marimo! A crude, graceless, directionless moron who gets lost for an hour trying to find this restaurant's bathroom!"

Kuina was shocked into laughter again. This was not an uncommon accusation to be made by Sanji to Zoro, but this time, instead of glaring at Zoro in challenge, Sanji's eyes were fixed on Kuina's smile and nothing else. Everyone sitting at the table could instantly see that he had only said that to make her laugh. Which was saying something, considering some who were present.

Zoro, however, seemed to have enough of this teasing nonetheless. "Oi! That was _one time!_"

"It was one time you could've spent asking someone to lead you to the bathroom."

"You wanna take this outside, cook? I've got plenty of time to beat your ass down before dinner."

"No," Sanji replied, still gazing dreamily at Kuina, "I'll take a rain check on embarrassing you in front of your sister."

Zoro just rolled his eyes and kicked Sanji under the table for good measure. When the cook didn't retaliate, he noticed. Zoro's eyes widened in surprise a little, and as he looked around the table he could see it in the others' expressions, too. It was pretty strange for Sanji to resist provocation, even with a lady present. Zoro's heart lifted a little in his chest. After last time, he was worried that Kuina and Sanji wouldn't get along. If this kept up, maybe they'd even become friends.

"So," Kuina began as she leaned forward conspiratorially, stifling rebellious giggles, "What else has our dear Zoro done in my absence that I should know about? As his big sister, and all. Just don't want him getting into trouble, right?"

"Well," Sanji replied with a grin just as evil, "just last week he managed to—"

"Oh, choke on your food, and die, cook!" Zoro exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. "Someone get me more booze!"

"Ooh ooh, I know this one!" Luffy shouted before Sanji could continue. "Last week, Zoro accidentally stole Nami's drink, so Sanji hid his sake! Zoro went looking for it in the _Baratie_'s kitchen, 'cuz that's where Sanji hides the meat when he won't let me have any, and he thought he found it so he tried to drink it, but it was really hot sauce!"

"_What?_" Kuina exclaimed in amused disbelief.

"The bottle of hot sauce Sanji uses for his cooking looked like one of Zoro's bottles of sake, apparently," Franky elaborated, holding his stomach as he laughed at the memory. Usopp was chuckling behind his hand. Even Robin's lips turned up in a small smile. "He came running out of the kitchen, his face all red and teary-eyed, demanding to know what Sanji did to his booze!" Franky guffawed.

"He looked ridiculous!" Sanji told Kuina with a huge grin. "After I finally stopped laughing long enough to move, I poured him a glass of milk to wash the spice out. He gulped it down, and then drank the rest straight from the jug."

Sanji sent Zoro a glare at that. Zoro just flipped him off and continued staring at the wall petulantly, crossing his arms stiffly against his chest. Chopper squeaked in horror at the rude gesture, scandalized.

"Seriously though, Zoro," Usopp added, shaking his head with a smile, "how do you confuse a bottle of _sake_ and a bottle of _hot sauce_? Sake's clear, not _orange_."

Zoro did not deem to dignify that with an answer.

Half of the table rolled their eyes. Just as Sanji was about to continue his conversation with Kuina, a gruff-looking waiter arrived with their dinner. Kuina's mouth watered as a plate of juicy sirloin steak was placed in front of her. She quickly grabbed her knife and fork, cut off a piece, took a bite and _moaned_. That was _so good_. Definitely the best steak she had ever eaten. No wonder Luffy liked this place so much.

Sanji, distracted by fawning over Nami and Robin and their approval of their food (much to Kuina's irritation), beamed when he saw Kuina's reaction. "Do you like it, Kuina-chan, my lovely flower? I actually made this recipe for—"

Kuina's fork clattered to the table. Luffy was still chattering on in between inhaling mouthfuls of food, but the sudden shift in the air was so oppressive it might as well have been dead silent. Zoro immediately sat straight in his seat, tense, unconsciously leaning away from his sister. "_What_," Kuina gritted out, trying to remember to just _breathe_, for godsakes, she could _not_ go crazy in a crowded restaurant, "did you just call me?"

Sanji started, taken aback. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and worry. "Kuina-chan? What—"

"Do _not_ call me that!" Kuina shouted in rage, slamming her fist on the table. Everyone's plates jumped, and suddenly the whole restaurant was silent. The table wood was cracked under her fist.

Kuina lifted her head, eyes murderous, and looked to Sanji for agreement. The cook swallowed nervously. "Well, what should I call you then? Kuina-san?"

"No," Kuina denied petulantly. It didn't feel right. Simply the way he said her name around such syllables just sounded so _demeaning_. She had no idea how Nami and Robin stood it!

"But, my beautiful flower, how am I supposed to—"

"ENOUGH!" Kuina roared. Nami looked almost panicked. Robin wore a grim expression.

"I am _not_ your goddamn _flower_!" Kuina bellowed, standing up in her seat and slamming her palms on the table. "I could _kick_ your _scrawny ass _into a _hospital_ if I so much as wanted to, and I am absolutely _tired_ of perverts like you thinking less of women solely because of our apparent '_beauty_'. I don't know _how_ you two stand it," Kuina shot a look at Nami and Robin, who now looked resigned to the situation, "but I _will not _deal with this sexist, entitled _moron_ any longer!"

Marching away from the table, Kuina almost shoved Zoro out of the seat as he jumped up to let her out, and stalked off towards the bar. She _so_ needed a drink.

* * *

><p>Zoro watched the scene unfold in front of him with dread. This was the absolute <em>worst<em> thing that could've happened. Kuina and Sanji were getting along so well, and then the stupid ero-cook just _had_ to open his _big mouth_ and start calling Kuina pet names. That was exactly what Zoro had told him _not_ to do!

Zoro hurriedly rose from his seat and moved out of the way when Kuina finished yelling and stomped over to the bar. He could hear Nami and Robin starting damage control in their seats behind him. He slumped back into the booth with a sigh. At least he wouldn't have to worry about Kuina now—she could hold her liquor almost as well as he could. He just had to hope that she didn't pick a fight with a drunk while she was over there.

On the other side of the table, Sanji was utterly distraught. "_Nami-swaaaaaan_! What did I say? Did I do something wrong? She hates me now! Why does she _hate me?_" The cook moaned into his hands.

Nami put a comforting hand on his back. "Sanji, Zoro told you Kuina doesn't like pet names. That probably includes '-chan' and calling her 'my flower'. And just a flower in general."

"Nami is right, Sanji-kun," Robin added, her book now closed and put away in her purse. "Kuina-san does not seem the type to be comfortable with most endearments. Not unlike our own swordsman here," Robin suggested with a small smile, glancing at Zoro, who grumbled a bit in response.

Chopper's face scrunched up in confusion. "But Zoro likes it when I call him Zoro-nii-chan."

Franky burst out laughing, followed by Nami and Usopp. Robin didn't even try to hide her giggles. Luffy and Chopper just looked on in confusion while Zoro covered his face with his hands and groaned in embarrassment, willing the world to just strike him dead where he sat. Unfortunately for him, it did not. At least Kuina wasn't there to hear that.

"_Guys!_" Sanji yelled in desperation. "I have an actual,important problem here! Kuina-cha… Uh, Zoro's sister _hates me_! _What am I going to do?!_"

Wiping away her tears of mirth, Nami patted Sanji's hand reassuringly and replied, "I'll go talk to her, Sanji. You stay here with everyone while she calms down."

Sanji morosely stood up to let Nami out of the booth and watched as she walked to the bar. He sagged back down in the seat and wanted to die. He had committed one of the worst sins in the world. He had _insulted_ a _lady_! He didn't deserve to live!

His descent into despair was broken by the interruption of Robin's smooth voice.

"It looks like Brook-san has arrived."

* * *

><p>Kuina downed her second shot of whiskey. She slammed it harshly back on the table and stared at the little drops of alcohol lingering in the bottom of the glass, frowning.<p>

Okay, so, _maybe_ she had overreacted, just a little. Patience had never been her strong suit. And truthfully, she knew Zoro was right; Sanji wasn't trying to be offensive. He just…

Kuina glanced over her shoulder towards the table. Brook was there, just settling into the booth, and Kuina felt a small pang of guilt when she realized she'd kind of forgotten about him. At the other end of the booth, Sanji was gesticulating loudly as he spoke to Robin, no, _Robin-chwan_, probably telling her about how _beautiful_ she was, and how _delicate_, and—

Kuina let go of the glass before it could break between her fingers. She turned her gaze away from Sanji and Robin with a soft curse, only to catch Nami's lithe figure gliding towards her in her peripherals as the redhead made her way to the bar.

Nami sat down gracefully on the barstool to Kuina's left and waved down the bartender to order a Mimosa. Once the man had left to make her drink, Nami turned to Kuina with a fond, somewhat apologetic smile.

"He can be quite a handful, huh?"

The bartender returned with Nami's mimosa. Kuina remained silent.

"He may be an idiot, but he's not as bad as he seems. He's just—"

Nami paused, trying to find the right word.

"Sexist?" Kuina offered with a blank look.

Nami laughed.

"Not in the way you think!"

She took a small sip of her mimosa.

Kuina's eyebrows furrowed. She was not expecting that answer.

Nami swirled the drink in her glass.

"If Sanji's sexist at all, he's sexist against _men_, not women."

This time, Kuina's eyebrows shot skyward.

"…What?"

"You see," Nami began, "Sanji thinks that women are the greatest, strongest, most beautiful creatures on earth—wait! Let me finish!"

Kuina snapped her mouth shut before she could vocalize exactly how untrue that statement was. Still, she decided to hear Nami out.

She downed her third shot of whiskey. Nami looked mildly impressed.

"Go on."

Nami seemed to choose her words carefully as she continued.

"Basically, Sanji loves women. And because he loves them so much, he wants to make them feel happy and good about themselves. Thus the whole…" Nami made a hand gesture in the air.

The whole Prince Charming thing, Kuina guessed. But still… "And this actually works?"

Nami looked her straight in the eye. "You'd be surprised. Half of the young female regulars come here or started coming here just because of Sanji. He makes them feel beautiful and valuable. The problem is, though, when he meets girls who already know they're beautiful and valuable…" Nami glanced at Kuina, looking for a sign of understanding.

She got it in the spark that lit Kuina's eyes. "He does the same thing, and doesn't realize he's going overboard."

Nami beamed.

"Precisely."

Kuina narrowed her eyes and sat up a little straighter in her seat, thinking.

"Then why does he think you and Robin are weak?"

Nami almost spit out her mimosa. She barked out a laugh so loud it caught Kuina off guard. Nami spent a minute gasping between giggles, steadying herself on the edge of the bar and trying to regain enough breath to speak.

"Oh, _trust me_," Nami assured, "Sanji knows _exactly_ how much my punches hurt."

Kuina had to admit, she was impressed. She got the feeling there was more than one story hidden in those few words somewhere.

"Besides," Nami continued, flipping her long orange ponytail back over her shoulder, "he knows that Robin used to work in Russian spec ops—"

Oh, Kuina _so_ totally called that one,

"—and he's seen the both of us incapacitate men more than twice our size. And worse, actually…"

Nami noted this with a thoughtful look. Kuina decided it was probably wiser not to ask.

"—but the point is, he knows how strong we are. He can see how strong _you_ are, too. Has anyone ever told you that? That you just give off this sort of… aura of power, that even blind idiots can sense?"

Kuina slowly shook her head.

"You do. Sanji can tell that even if he went all out in a fight with you, he'd lose. And not just because you're a woman!" Nami added quickly, "He knows that neither you nor I nor Robin nor a lot of other girls on this earth are real 'delicate flowers,' as he likes to call us. He just thinks that's a compliment, being called dainty and such."

Kuina pulled a face at the mere mention of the word.

Nami giggled softly, noticing how similar Kuina was to her brother.

"He doesn't like us to fight, but not because he thinks we can't—he just thinks women shouldn't have to get their hands dirty fighting the scumbag lowlifes we often end up facing. Drunks in bars, gangbangers, that sort of thing."

Kuina was trying _really_ hard to not ask.

Nami must have seen it on her face.

She offered a sympathetic smile in thanks, but told Kuina anyway. "I used to owe a lot of money to some… unsavory men." Nami's hand ghosted over her left shoulder, covered by the sleeve of her top. "Luffy and the others helped me out of it, but sometimes, if someone from the Arlong crew recognizes me, they'll pick a fight."

Kuina's eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. _Arlong's_ gang? What in the—

"Usually, though, Luffy or Zoro just does something stupid to some ego-blown criminal and drags us all into their mess!" Nami finishes with a strange combination of annoyance and fondness. Kuina likes it.

"But, yeah. Don't let any of Sanji's theatrics get to you, he's just trying to tell you in his weird, creepy way that he thinks you're the best, most amazing, beautiful creature ever, and that no man on earth has the right to sully your divine superiority by insulting the regality of your existence, which includes doing anything to offend you verbally, physically, morally, or emotionally."

"…What?"

"I'm quoting him on that."

Kuina decided that the scariest thing she had ever seen in her life was seeing Nami say that with a completely straight face.

Besides that, Kuina thought she understood a little bit more about Sanji now. But there was still no way in hell Kuina was ever letting him call her _delicate_. Or _flower_, or _Kuina-chan_… Well, they'd have to think of something appropriate. But until then…

Kuina waved down the bartender and ordered Nami another mimosa, and a mountain dew for herself. She probably shouldn't down too many more whiskey shots. Turning to her redheaded companion, Kuina spoke.

"So," she began, happily noticing the way Nami's eyes lit up when the bartender handed her another mimosa, "did you guys and my brother really give a beatdown to the Arlong gang hotshots?"

* * *

><p>When Brook arrived, he didn't expect to see Sanji moaning dejectedly over the table of their booth like an injured whale, but it was definitely not the most surprising scene that he had ever been confronted with. Brook calmly slid into the seat next to Zoro, setting his violin case on the floor between his feet.<p>

"How was your performance, Brook-san?" Robin asked kindly.

"Oh, it was amazing, Robin-san, but I'm glad I had enough time to join you all here!"

The atmosphere was tense.

Upon asking, Brook was informed of all that had just gone down with Sanji and Kuina, and was shown where Nami was currently trying to sort things out with Kuina. Chuckling, Brook looked over at the chef.

"Sanji, communicating with women is a complex and delicate task. You must have more tact than just spewing out compliments, or else they might be taken as insults."

"_I knooooowwww_," Sanji wailed face-down into the table.

Zoro turned and made a face at Brook as if to say, _This coming from the guy who asks every woman he meets if he can see her panties?_

Brook ignored him.

"Yo ho ho! Cheer up, Sanji-kun! How about I play a melody to lift your spirits?"

Brook pulled his violin case up from the floor and carefully extricated the instrument. Chopper cheered gleefully; he loved Brook's playing.

About halfway into a beautiful violin concerto, which had given Brook an audience despite his efforts to play softly, Nami and Kuina left the bar and headed back to the booth. Thankfully, both of them were smiling. A good sign.

At their advance, Brook set his violin down. Nami sat next to Sanji, who was so deep in despair that he didn't even try to lift his head in the renewed presence of his dear Nami-swan. Kuina marched right up to the side of their table and made an announcement. Sanji's head flew up from the table.

"So! Nami and I have talked things over," Kuina started, in an authoritative but not condescending tone, "and I have decided to wipe the slate clean." She directed the statement at Sanji with a small glance. "But! You cannot call me _delicate_, or _dainty_, or _flower_, or –_chwan_, or _anything_ like that, okay?!"

Sanji's face exploded into happiness like a volatile chemical reaction. "Yes, Kuina-cha-, uh, miss-my—um…" Sanji floundered for something to address Kuina by that wouldn't offend her, but got nothing. Kuina looked like she understood, and offered an apologetic smile.

"Uh, right—I forgot, we have to decide on something you can call me. You got any ideas, cook-boy? Just, don't make it sound cutesy. I hate cutesy."

Sanji was silent for a minute, processing this request. Kuina stood patiently at the front of the table, waiting. Eventually, Sanji caught up and tried, "…Kuina-chan?"

She glared at him.

"_No._"

Sanji flinched. "Okay, how about… Just Kuina?"

Kuina considered that.

"Nah… too informal. It feels weird."

Sanji thought for a moment. The rest of the table waited with bated breath. Except for Luffy, who was busy using the distraction to scarf down the last of everyone's leftovers.

"Maybe something like, 'miss swordswoman'?"

Kuina wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Nah."

"My lady?"

"Ew, no!"

"Big sister?"

"Are you _trying_ to make me cut you?!"

"I don't know what else I can call you!" Sanji threw his hands up in exasperation. "There's nothing else I can—"

Then, he had it. By god, he had it! Sanji stared at Kuina in enlightened wonder.

"Kuina-senpai."

Kuina's eyes went wide. Then, "Yes! Yes, that's it! Senpai! Hah, there you go! I knew you could do it!"

And to everyone's surprise, Kuina reached over and ruffled Sanji's hair. Kuina knocked her leg into the table and spilled Usopp's soda, and Sanji's hair became a complete and utter disaster, but the two of them were smiling together for the first time that night, so in the end, everybody was happy.

* * *

><p>Five weeks later, Sanji and Zoro stopped by Koshiro's Dojo. "Senpai~~! The marimo and I are here to pick you up for the movie theather!" Sanji called joyfully up the stairs towards Kuina's bedroom, where she was likely finishing up getting ready.<p>

"Stop calling me _marimo_," Zoro grumbled. "And, more than that, stop _exclusively_ calling me marimo around Kuina just because you know she thinks it's funny, you idiotic sap."

Sanji ignored most of the actual commentary in that sentence and replied, "Big words, marimo. I'm impressed."

Zoro groaned and slapped Sanji upside the back of the head.

"I'm ready!" Kuina called as she ran down the steps. "I'm ready! Uh, what's the name of the movie we're seeing again?"

"One Piece," Zoro replied. It was a pirate movie—the one thing that the whole nine of the group (ten of them, now) all liked. Even Nami, Chopper, and Robin liked pirates, so whenever a pirate movie came out, they would all see it together. Zoro was waiting for the day that a horror movie would come out so Kuina would go—she loved horror movies like no one would believe—and Sanji would tag along, because he follows Kuina around _everywhere_ now, only to end up shrieking in the theater as some giant mutant bugs come on screen and kill off the characters one by one.

_That would be a true Kodak moment if there ever was one_, Zoro mused.

"Sweet. I'll drive. Sanji, remember what I told you about the ticket girl, Shirahoshi?"

Sanji nodded vigorously. "Yes! Tone the compliments down around her, but still be polite and kind, because she gets uncomfortable if I express my love too much."

"Exactly, good!" Kuina leaned over and ruffled Sanji's hair again, the two of them grinning like children. It had become a thing, Zoro noticed. Kuina only did that to Sanji, and Sanji's hair was really not the type to survive being mussed up like that, but he liked it, for some reason. Zoro wasn't really sure what to make of the whole deal. All he knew was that they reminded him of an owner teaching its dog to do tricks for treats.

Zoro locked the door as they left. Sanji skipped alongside Kuina on the way to their suspicious-looking-but-totally-innocent black van, chattering away at her as she listened, smiling.

"Kuina-senpai! I finally perfected my drink recipe for you! Now I have one for everyone in our group!"

"Even one for yourself?"

"Oh, you're so considerate, senpai! But actually, no, I forgot about making one for myself. Should I?"

Zoro smiled. He was glad that introducing the Cook and the Swordswoman wasn't such a bad idea after all.

END

* * *

><p>AN: So, this fic was born mainly out of the idea that Sanji and Kuina could totally be Best Friends Forever, even though they'd probably get off on the wrong foot, and the desire to have a Sanji who loves women but can come off as kinda sexist so Kuina sets him straight and teaches him how to behave properly around ladies who don't like his gushing. Also, Kuina/Nami friendship is awesome, too. It was fun figuring out how I interpret Kuina, despite how little she appears in the actual manga. I've always liked her. Plus, having an alive Kuina means having a Zoro who's scared as crap of his sister, though he'd rather die than admit it. Am I the only one who finds this idea intertaining? X)

That aside, thank you for reading this far, I mean really. Lord knows this story is far from a masterpiece, but I think it's a good start. I'll probably come back and touch it up some later, anyway. Once again, thank you! I hope I entertained you at least a little bit!


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